escaping the fuzz

damn didnt realise I had been away so long……so whats been happening?

dazed and confused, frustrated, agitated, absent minded of self, disappointed, trapped, happy

 

these are all places I have been for one reason or another…s’pose it’s what you could call a level of ‘normality’ even though the inner workings are a little less subtle……the events of the past few months have had a massive negative effect on our relationship….her knew addiction is smoking  (a habit which we have no funds for and one I have no wish to live so closely to), she has bouts where she constantly barrages me with talk of a new baby which has swayed me away from any physical contact…..I have given up trying to hold conversation with her as she really responds and when she does it is indicative that she does not want to talk……..bankruptcy has graced us with its presence elevating some financial pressures but raising new ones

the plan …..find the strength to wade on through and hope that when the fog of war lifts there is something recognisable left

 

my only saving graces at this time are my kids and my voice of reason Clive

 

 

food for thought

well time has slipped by once again……been totally wrapped up in some good shit for a change……spending quality time with the ‘olds’, goofing around with the kids…putting up a shed, laying turf and planting some plants…..my garden looks like a friendly place now rather than the ‘abandoned allotment’ it had become……

 

 

happiness of a clown

figured I would have a go at painting…start to finish in one sitting….

and time flies by

damn another month gone…….illness has ripped its way into the home and we are only just recovering….a month swallowed by bugs n stuff yet the weather suggests no passage of time………now there is a head fuck

 

BANG ZOOM … A MONTH GONE SO SOON

well its a month past and a month lost in haze…………..

so what has been happening in my crazy little world?   not a lot

a week in hospital with the little prince as he was struggling to fight a virus which was making his apnea worse………..and O what a snowball of fun did that throw into the air….anyways we ended up in one of our local hospitals so they got an insite to how we were managing kians apnea……I continued to do my night shift/little sleep routine (yes he was in hospital and there are staff there , but michelle would not leave his side so I needed to be there for her and its hard to hand over the reigns), anyways they were not happy with the possible effects on my health and were also concerned by his sleeping oxygen levels so have decided to get involved and put out a request for a home monitor (something the main hospital dealing with his apnea had requested several weeks before xmas), that request went out to the community nurses who then passed it on to our health visitor which is were it stopped….budgets and health care politics then became the factor……WHAT A LOAD OF FUCKING BULLSHIT.

 

Anyways at a meeting with said heath visitor michelle blew her stack and told her it was a crock of shit and she was not fucking happy and was going to have a word with the press and she was not holding back any names…..the response…..dont do that, I am sure I can sort something out….lol what shit,,,,  michelle has been back in touch with the main hospital in charge of kians care and they have taken over the matter….I hope fucking heads roll

money money money….i hate the fuckin money

well a month before christmas I took hold of the purse strings to try and get us out of the financil doom that the dear wife had put us in….and it was working…..savings were starting to happen and things were looking good…..BUT its part managed through a joint account…..money was being put into my personal account and then into 2 savings accounts……..those savings accounts are connected to the joint account and once she realised there was money in them she was off on her usual path, moving money back out of the savings and into the joint and ebay has started to rear its ugly head….ok I have been buying of ebay but that is with money I am earning by selling my stuff……..anyways its all going stupid again and I cant deal with it so fuck it have given her it back and gonna wait for the ship to sink and when we swim back to shore if she aint there well so be it…..cant spend the rest of my life trying to sort things and have someone keep excusing ‘its a work in progress’……what a load of bollocks….not everything is or can be put in the no time scale work in progress box………mental illness is a fucking nightmare when that person is cognitive enough to manipulate it……….how do you stop it???? when challenged you just get the it takes time, i am working on it, its a work in progress……..FUCK OFF SOME OF IT IT PLAIN FUCKING LAZINESS AND DOWN RIGHT IRRESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOUR.

REALITY….REALITY….WHERE THE FUCK IS MY REALITY?

well the bomb shell news of my dads early onset dementia has put my head in a whirlwind spin…..I cant sleep properly, my head is buzzing and I keep waking up……decided to do abit of research to prep myself for the impending…..what a div…..dementia is a field of mines all with differing levels of effect and natures and including the big A (dads results showed the sides of his brain where shrinking)…..my dad is in his early 60’s and I always thought that dementia was a monster that affected the old, never saw early 60’s as old………anyways after my research and reading about the big A my heart is in weep state and my mind is in in denial mode.   

 

why is it I seem to always catch the bouncing ball on the way down rather than the bounce up?

 

happy birthday………..oh fuck no

my daughter had her fifth birthday today    🙂    the head-strong, objectional diamond is growing fast……..amazing considering she nearly didn’t make it to 2.   anyway we had a cossy little birthday tea with a minimal number of guest and next week we will be having a party a local stables…..knowing the right people and doing some helpfull stuff realy helps with access to stuff…………..this should have been a magical day and it would have been but for the family news that came to my doorstep like an atom bomb……….

my dad has been diagnosed with dementia and has been told he has two years maximum of normal life……he suffers badly with depression relative to terrible experiences at the hands of monsters in a kids home…..he has previously attempted suicide and was close to success but a hand full of police managed to stop him…..not an easy task as the old dog is capable of being extremely violent……..for the past few years we have been fighting hard to lift his spirits and motivation and last year we started having some success but his difficulty with short term memory had become excessively prominent and after medical assessment was sent for a brain scan……the results have come back showing that both sides of his brain are degenerating/shrinking…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………next week he gets the results of some extensive blood tests relative to some bouts of spontaniuos blood loss from the poop chute…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………he has told me he wont wait to loose his marbles – he saw his mum go that way and she tried to kill his sister and succeeded in killing herself…….I dont know what to think or do  ………. drinking some beers at the mo and will see where that goes  ………………… thought I had some years to make up for lost time but now I have possibly two with a high chance of a deathly phone call …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….  2013  ……………………… not so sure I want to journey through this year, murmours of a move and now imminent death………..OH FUCK NO

happy new year

well after a disapointing christmas ( row before hand then the on set of illness, a child that was not happy at all) the new year has begun.   time to set my goals and achieve something for me.  got to get some art created, learn a bit more about photography and get involved with some outside interests for me so that the home world doesn’t dissolve me any further………….  these past few years of static focus have caused a major depreciation in my abilities…..not only have I noticed my physical strength failing, I have difficulty hearing or focusing on what is being said when holding conversations thus causing a lack of understanding with regards subjects that I use to have competence in, I am constantly fatigued but dread sleep (always wake up absolutely knackered no matter how long I have had…….. I am becoming a mindless zombie        

YO HO HO FCKIN MERRY XMAS

well no kids over the weekend so we have got everything ready and are in the process of making xmas treats…..bonus

just had a major fckin row wiv the missus….apparently some friends??? that she invited to spend the big day with us have confirmed they are comming….I wanted an xmas wiv my family at home…..every year for the past 10 has been at her folks…..

of course the row turned full circle and last years events became the focus…….

scenario ….. had a disagreement wiv the sis-in-law about my kids eating habits…..it became heated and she flew across the room at me all riled and with that (gonna rip you apart look in her eyes), so I tell her to bag off but she just keeps comming and I end up pushing her away, she then grabs me by the throat trying to strangle me…I flip my lid and shake her free  daddy steps in the way and we have some serious words…..anyways all the blame lands on my shoulders, later she convinces mummy and daddy that she could’nt hear what I was saying and was just getting near so she could hear better…..my wife was sat behind me but her family loyalties means she just lets it lie without saying that was’nt the case…….time passes and she then makes up some bullshit story that I had made sexual advances towards her…….anyways a year passes where I have avoided contact with her as best possible and my wife sits on the fence about the the whole shit….except on those special occassions when it alls becomes my fault and I should be the one appologising and groveling…..am I some sort of dumb fuck idiot?   part of me wishes I had bust her fcking jaw at least then they would have fair reason to give me the shit……..